How to Help with Invisible Labour When You Can’t See it
After the first blog on Invisible labour and how it affects women’s sexuality, Tamara texted me this - “That is just part one right? Because we have to give tools for the partners, the patriarchy hurts us all!”
If I were to search my texts for the word “Patriarchy”, it wouldn’t narrow them down much….
Who Is Affected by Invisible Labour?
Research clearly shows us that invisible labour predominantly impacts women. If we look at relationships, it has a much larger impact on women in heterosexual relationships. In keeping with the research, this will be written with heterosexual couples in mind.
Are Women Just Naturally Better at This Work?
Short answer, no. Longer answer is sort of, but only because we have had too much practice. Society still holds the belief that women are just naturally better at the project management of the home, family and relationships. This is often framed as letting people do the work they are best at. Research does shows us that men in relationships today are doing more than their fathers or grandfathers, but the gap is still wide and this belief still persists.
Remember this - women are not inherently better at the management of home, relationships and family - it is learned. This means it can be learned by people of any gender!
Often a male partner will say to their female partner, “Just ask me or tell me what needs to be done!” This does not address the main issue of the invisible load. That the majority of the load is not in doing the actual task, but the planning, the sourcing of what is needed, and checking that it is completed. Doing a task when asked does not carry the same stress as juggling the planning and implementation of all the tasks. It can also lead to a very large gap in awareness of the magnitude of the load that is being carried.
What Are the Benefits of Changing This?
There are huge benefits in changing this dynamic. For many in relationships, it will be a key to solving ongoing issues. Not addressing this will lead to greater conflict, resentment and relationship distress. Think of this as what is best for your relationship and family. Reframing this work as a partnership and collaborative instead of “helping” is related to higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
What Does This Have to Do with Sex?
As we know from the last blog post, invisible labour squashes women’s desire.
When it comes to sex, do NOT try adding more to a woman’s to do list. Suggesting a weekend away, dinner out or buying lingerie may have the opposite affect of what is hoped for. It may feel like a demand or an obligation on a never ending list. Also, who is going to organise someone to take care of the pets, kids or other obligations?
Uncovering a women’s desire for sex, and reconnecting in your relationship, will always be about understanding the load that she carries and participating in carrying it. Not by “helping”, but by being a partner.
How Can You Work on Changing This in Your Relationship?
Sit down together and make a list of all the obligations and tasks that need to be done in order to keep life going. Then find a way to split it that is equitable. Not equal, but more equitable. This recognises that each of you have different skills, circumstances and capacity. So, instead of saying “if you want something done, just ask me”, work together to shift and share some significant tasks and events.
For men this means that if they are taking on new work, then they need to take on the task fully. That means not needing to be reminded. Put it in a calendar with an alert, put it in a post it note where it can’t be ignored, or plan a bribe as a treat for doing it. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the planning and execution is all taken care of in order to reduce the invisible load. When something is clearly one person’s job, it also become really clear when it is not done.
It can be difficult for women to step away and let their partner do a task without their input. Having your partner figure out how to do it best for them will be very important. There will be a learning curve!
Work Together Collaboratively to Change the Dynamic!
When you both work on this together with the belief that is will benefit your relationship and both of you, it can be a collaborative approach and not a combative exercise.
Again, it is not always about being completely equal, but about finding a way that works for you as a couple or a family. When both people feel like they are contributing and resentment is reduced, that’s when love, joy and sex can really flourish!
Reach out if you need help with this- and check out the links below for some excellent information and tips!